2006

Well. What can I say about 2006 that hasn't been said before? He was a good year, he treated people well, he always had a kind word ... ah, screw it, who am I kidding? 2006 was a bastard and I'm glad he's dead. Yeah, I said it. And I'm sure a good number of you out there were thinking it, too.

Okay, so that was a little harsh. But the truth of the matter is that I really am glad that 2006 is over. It was a tumultuous year for me.

One of the biggest issues for me this past year was my health. My Takayasu's Arteritis had reared its ugly head again in September of 2005, and the majority of 2006 was spent trying to combat that. I started off on the right foot early on with some good test results and the news that my doc was taking me off Prednisone. However, when my dose got low again, I had more pain. I wasn't sure if it was related, but my blood tests showed elevated levels, so my doc raised my dose again. This time, he had the intention of switching me from Prednisone to Methotrexate as a maintenance drug. After being on both for a while, he gradually tapered me down on the Prednisone again in hopes that the Methotrexate would take over and keep me healthy. It didn't. The pain came back and I was back to square one. In the last month of the year, I was put back on Prednisone after having only been off it for a month, and now we only have one last hope for an alternative. Soon I will be put on Enbrel, and we'll see how I react to it. I don't know if it will have any wierd side effects like the Prednisone, or if it will even do its job and keep the inflammation down. And I'm kind of scared because Enbrel doesn't come in pill form, so I'll have to give myself injections once a week, which I've never done before. It's not that I'm afraid of needles or anything ... I've just never had to stick MYSELF with one. And who wants to do that, really? But anyway, it's a new beginning. 2006 was a year of ups and downs on the disease front. When I was on Prednisone, I felt well, but was emotionally down and extremely self-conscious because of what the drug does to my appearance. When I wasn't on it, sure, I looked great, but I was usually in pain, often nauseous, sometimes to the point of keeping me from doing things I wanted to do, like be with my friends. It was a constant trade-off, and I'm hoping that this year finally brings me some balance. I crave it. I am a Libra after all. :)

2006 also managed to put me into a position with friends that I had never been in before, and don't care to ever visit again. In the interest of confidentiality, I won't go into details, but the people involved know who they are. To them, I'd like to say that I never intended for things to play out the way they did. I never intended to hurt any person or harm any relationship. I know that I did, and I am sorry for that. Though I cannot take responsibility for everything that happened, I can take responsibility for my own actions. I don't recognize or like the person I was when I did or said certain things, but I believe I learned a lot about myself through this experience. Perhaps I thought that I was insignificant and that my actions would never have any effect on anyone. Maybe I learned just what I am capable of. In any case, I am in a completely different head space now, and I hope to say honestly that I will never return to the dark place I was in. I've made some changes, and they weren't easy, but they were right. I feel like things are finally at peace again, and I don't intend on disturbing that. To the other parties, I don't know if I can still call you friends, but I hope you will accept my wishes for a very happy 2007.

Self-reflection was a running theme in 2006. Like I mentioned already, I learned a lot about myself this year. I learned about some of my flaws, and I learned more about what is really important to me. Unfortunatly, the price of this is that I feel like I aged much more than just one year in 2006. I turned 27 this year, but sometimes I feel like I'm pushing 40. I feel pressure to be at a place in my life that I haven't reached yet, and may possibly never reach. Just because I have more gray hairs each day doesn't mean that I have to know where I want to be in 10 years. Or even 5 years. I don't know if I want to buy a house. I don't know if I want to get married or have kids. I don't know if I want a new job or new friends, or a new wardrobe. I just don't know. But almost worse than not knowing, is not knowing what to tell people when they ask me. "I don't know," never seems to be the right answer. Everyone has solutions for me, all good ones, but all different, and possibly all wrong for me. These people who offer advice mean well, and I appreciate their concern for my well-being. They love me. But they need to love the me that doesn't know what she wants to do next weekend, let alone next year.

They say that hope springs eternal. Though I've had moments where nearly all hope seems lost, I'd like to believe that this old adage is true. What I do know for sure is that the hope a person feels for the future has to come from inside (how's that for a fortune cookie moment?). I don't make New Year's resolutions. I think it's silly to put all of your good intentions into one day and when you inevitably get overwhelmed and fail, to give up your self-improvement efforts entirely. I make promises to myself continuously throughout the year, and I find my success rate to be much higher than it would be otherwise. Having said that, I do have one goal for this year. It is something that I am always working on anyway, but may have lost sight of a little bit in 2006. My goal is to never lose hope. It would be so easy for me to just give up and let the bad thoughts and feelings take over my life; to neglect my friends and family who only want the best for me; to never leave the house because what good could possibly happen to me out in the world? But what kind of a life would that be? It wouldn't be any kind of life at all. Not one that I would want to lead anyway. So my goal is to stay positive, keep my chin up, always look on the bright ... well, you get the idea.

I hope this post hasn't gotten anybody too depressed. Sometimes it just really helps to accept that fact that things can be shitty at times, and to really examine what it is that's shitty and how it can be helped or changed. But the flip side of that coin is that you also have to realize that things aren't always so shitty. 2006 also has held some very wonderful and magical moments for me, as does every year. I've had fun with friends. My family is happy and healthy. I have a great job and a great place to live. When I stop to count my blessings, it makes it infinitely easier to envision myself keeping the hope alive in 2007.

Happy New Year, everyone.