woman on the verge

I am not having a good time. I am really trying hard to stay positive about things, but on days like today, it's close to impossible. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or that I want people to feel sorry for me, because I know that many people are worse off than I am, and I want nothing more than for things to just get better. In a very general sense. I just need to get a few things off my chest. Maybe if I write about them, transfer my worries to (virtual) paper, they won't plague my mind so much.

About a month and a half ago, I started getting migraines. They were initially caused by something that you would ABSOLUTELY NOT want to cause them. I won't go into further detail for fear of being far too open on a public forum. But suffice it to say that this complicates my life much more that it already is. If you only knew. But, even after the "pounders" stopped happening (whether because of the drugs, or time), I was (and am) still getting headaches. Every single freaking day. Some are not so bad and I can go almost 24 hours without taking some kind of pain reliever, but some are pretty intense and can impede on my routine. When I visited the doctor, he was less than sympathetic. For the first time in my life, I felt like my physician wasn't interested in helping me. The same physician who I've been going to since I was 10, who saw me through my whole Takayasu's Arteritis ordeal, who knows more about my medical history than anyone on this earth. My Mom was in the exam room with me, and when she asked if a certain thing has ever been known to trigger migraines, not necessarily hinting that that was my cause, he laughed while telling us of the one patient of his who claimed to have that trigger, following up with, "Can you imagine that?" I was shocked. "That's what caused mine," I said flatly. He left the room. I didn't understand his reaction to my Mom's question. Did he not believe his other patient, and therefore not believe me? Did he not understand how this could seriously damage a person's life? This was just the very beginning of what I discovered to be a widespread apathy towards migraine sufferers by non-sufferers. For some reason, unless they've personally experienced one, or are close to someone who has, most people don't understand that a migraine is more than just a bad headache. Bear with me for a moment while I attempt to illustrate what my migraines felt like. Imagine someone has just drilled a hole in your head, near the base of your skull, and now they are slowly pouring acid into that hole in your skull, and with every beat of your heart, that acid gets pumped through your brain, slowly burning its way through your brain cells, rendering you completely incapacitated until the pain subsides. And even when it does subside, some hours later, it's still the worst headache you've ever had. No position is comfortable, nothing eases the pain except time, and even that is unreliable. Not to mention, the other symptoms that can accompany the debilitating pain. I am led to believe that my migraines are different than most peoples' in that I only experienced the nausea, and not the sensitivity to light and sound, and that lying down made my pain worse, as opposed to better. But regardless of the accompanying symptoms, the pain is something I would not wish on my worst enemies. The world stops when you have a migraine, only it doesn't. You still have the same responsibilities, you just are physically incapable of upholding them. This was the worst of it. These happened off and on over two weeks. I missed a lot of work, even more social activities, and I practically moved in with my parents just so I wouldn't be alone. After I started to feel a bit better, and had a few drugs in my arsenal, I went home again. But I still had the memory of walking around my apartment in the worst pain I had ever been in. Any activity that had preceded one of these headaches was now frightening to me. I wondered whether I'd get another one every time I walked up or down the stairs, every time I did my laundry, every time I parked my car, every time I went to the bathroom, every time I woke up in the morning. These were not true triggers, but events that had happened immediately before I got a "pounder" in the days following the initial trigger and headache - kind of like an aftershock. (I apologize if this is a bit confusing - I'm not sure it makes complete sense to me either.) I took it easy for the next few weeks, while still trying to force myself to do those things again that I was afraid of. I had to get back to my life. And for the most part, I have. However, I still get a headache every single day. At any given moment, I've got some drug in my system, whether it be Relpax, Excedrin Migraine, naproxen, or something else. I can't kick these things. My sleep is crap lately, and I'm tired ALL the time. Tylenol PM, or a muscle relaxer are sometimes necessary for me to get a restful sleep, though I learned earlier this week that with my early work hours, taking these things on a weeknight is not such a good idea. The problem is that I don't want to rely on drugs to get me through the day. And there are these things called rebound headaches that happen after a medication wears off. I don't know if what I'm getting are rebound headaches or not, but I'd sure like to know how to get rid of them. I try over and over again to just not take anything and hope the pain goes away, but 100% of the time, it just ends up getting worse and forcing my hand. Every day I wonder if I'm going to have a headache for the rest of my life.

Jeez, that was detailed. And thorough. God willing, I'll never have to mention it again. I just want it to go away. I am going to make a desperate plea right now that any comments not contain any suggestions as to how to treat my headaches. Because chances are, I've already tried it. Thanks for your understanding.

If only this was my only problem. But I did not intend to write quite so much about the headaches (I guess I needed to vent more than I realized), so I think I will leave it at that. In the process of releasing my stress and worries into the void, I do not want to inadvertently inflict any of it onto my friends, so this is where I will stop. I think this is enough for one day, don't you?