Mawwiage is what bwings us togevah today ...

I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I just can't stop thinking about marriage and having kids and a family and a dog and picket fence and all that jazz. Well, I partially know where it's coming from. The woman who sits in the cube across from me is getting married this summer and is neck deep in wedding plans, so I'm hearing all about that. But other than that, I guess I've just come to that age when this stuff seems to be more important than it ever was before.

I've always had mixed opinions about marriage. I've never really been sure if it's for me. Partly because my pessimistic side thinks I'll never be able to find someone willing to marry me (and of course, that I am willing to marry). And partly because I've seen so many failed marriages, or even marriages that perhaps should have failed but managed to "succeed" even though both parties were unhappy for the majority of it. I mean, is it worth it? When there's kids involved, are they really better off with two parents who are constantly at each others' throats, or would they have happier childhoods if their parents were separated/divorced but happier as single people, or in other relationships? I just don't know.

But divorce isn't really what I intended to write about here. My point is that I think I finally detected my tiny little biological clock. I don't know if you really have one of those for getting married, but marriage is (generally) the beginning of the whole "starting a family" thing, so I think it relates. Now don't get me wrong, I've always (always always) wanted to have a wedding and walk down the aisle in the gorgeous white dress with all my family and friends present, and then throw a really big party. But in that dream, the groom's face has always been mysteriously blank, except for the big-ass smile on his face when he turns to see me coming down the aisle towards him. For the most part, this fantasy has kept me pretty happy because it always only meant one day of fun, then the honeymoon and then that was it. But lately I've been thinking a lot about marriage. I mean MARRIAGE marriage. (Geez, if you say that too many times it sounds really wierd.) You know, where you find the one person who you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with, and then you do just that. And then in the middle somewhere, you decide to create another little person (or two) together. One who is half you and half your partner. I mean, it's kind of a crazy concept when you think about it, but it is so hardwired into our heads and so instinctual, that even the most hermit-like of loners I am sure has wanted that at some point or other.

I have several friends who are happily married. At times I envy them for that. I enjoy my (perpetual) singledom most of the time, but some days I start to wonder how much longer it is going to go on. Maybe I'd like to have someone to take care of, and who will take care of me. Maye one day I'd like to have a baby. Whether it's merely a biological desire to pass on my genes, or I really want to usher another person through this crazy-wierd "life" thing, I don't know. But I think that the small part of me that wants to do the so-called normal thing of getting married and having kids is growing a little bit stronger. I look at my friends with children (and those who are planning to soon have children) and instead of thinking, "Man, I am not ready for that," I find myself thinking "I wonder if I'll ever have that?"

I am wrong about a lot of things, and a lot of people. I let my imagination run away with me. I meet someone and I assign them a role in my head. Occasionally someone will be cast as the love interest, but they generally drop out before rehearsals even begin. Even less often, someone I've known as a friend for a while will decide midway through the production to take off his mask. I'll see something in him that I never saw before. I'll think about recasting, but before I can sign the papers, he'll put the mask back on again. Only it's slightly askew. He'll never look quite the same to me and I'll always wonder if he's playing the right part. I can't help thinking that so many people in my life have been miscast. But in this crazy mixed up theatre in my head, there's nothing I can do about it. My whole life thus far has just been Act I, and I'll never get to Act II because I am incapable of casting the lead.

Sorry for the metaphors here folks, but I just can't think of a better way to talk about this. Anyway, I think the point of this entry is that my views on marriage and children and families etc. are changing. I'm finding myself wanting things I've never really wanted (or thought I wanted) before, and I don't know what to do about it. People are looking different to me. Life is looking different to me. I know I'm in kind of an odd mood today (I described it to a friend at work as feeling like I've stepped into someone else's life), so maybe that has something to do with it. But no, this is something I've been thinking about for a while. But I don't know. My thoughts are really scattered and I wouldn't be surprised if this whole entry is complete gibberish. But after all, I am mostly writing this for myself, to get my thoughts out. If someone happens to read it, what do I care? If they understand and/or relate, then good. I'm glad I could say something that actually meant something to someone. If nobody understands what the hell I am talking about, then join the club, because I don't think I know either. Then again, I never do.